Making friends when you move to a new place is hard, harder when you’re an adult, and even harder when you’re an adult with BPD. Does that seem ridiculous? It really isn’t. When you move to a new place,
the people around you already have their friendships in place, probably for years before you came along. They already have their “in” jokes, their clique, their regular hangouts. They know and trust one another. Finding that type of footing with new people is hard. For kids, it’s fairly easy. They’re in school together. From grade to grade, the mix of students in the classroom changes, so they have to work a little bit to keep the friendship they made the grade before, and if they like each other enough, they do. They’re not worried about their friends’ political, religious, or economic status. They are all pretty much on the same level, doing the same things: get up, eat breakfast, go to school, muddle through classes, go home, do homework, and play. Their interests are fairly similar. Things roll along pretty smoothly until junior high or high school, when everyone’s interests begin to really diverge, but even then, if they’ve been friends since grade school, that friendship will usually stay intact, if on the back burner. And let’s face it, kids are a lot more open and accepting than the average adult. By adulthood, we have learned entirely too much about betrayal and the folly of trust. No wonder it’s so hard to make new friends! Then you add in something like bipolar disorder, and suddenly everything is twice as hard. It’s hard to find the motivation to even get out of bed some mornings, much less meet new people. A large part of BPD, at least for me, is self-esteem issues. I don’t necessarily see a fantastic person when I look in the mirror, and that carries over to meeting new people. If I don’t think I’m wonderful, why should they? And if they aren’t going to see someone wonderful, why put myself in the way of rejection?
I have, though, for the sake of my kids. I want them to have friends over, and to feel comfortable doing so. Sadly, however, none of the mothers to whom I have given my number in the hopes of a playdate for my children have ever called. Not one, no matter how friendly and open to the idea they seemed at the time. They may have lost the number. They may be just that busy. But BPD rears its ugly head and says, “They don’t like you. Why should they? Look at you!” And the next time, I don’t even try. It’s easier to stay home, focus on my family, and not try to make friends. When my kids need to be around other kids, I take them to the playground, and I keep to myself and simply play with my girls. My closest friends are my six year old and two year old, and the hubby. Getting out of the house without them to have interactions with other people has become very hard. This is why I joined one guild, and why I will probably join the other. This is why I have gone to some of the local knitting meetups, even though I’m not a knitter, although I’m thinking about giving it another try. I know I need to keep putting myself out there, and that doing it is a step in the right direction in dealing with BPD, but it’s a hard step, a scary step. Sometimes, as I leave my house to go to one of these things, I find myself humming the song from Santa Claus is Coming to Town “Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you’ll be walking out the door…” Sad that it’s a kid’s show that has the right of it.
I made another pouch on Moya, and with what was left over, I also made a bookmark. A sewing class is definitely in order. I did better on the band itself this time. My selvedges were much better, although I still have some problems with drawing in from pulling just a hair too much on the weft. Still, the weaving itself is much better. I also had much less loss this time, because I learned from the last pouch. The last time, I tried to finish the raw edges of each panel before sewing it to the next panel, which resulted in panels of different sizes and cutting off the finished edges so that I could put the panels together first and thenfinish the edges. By joining the panels first this time, I kept enough of the band that there was enough for five panels to be joined, instead of the four I had last time. I had also widened the border this time, so I had a little more wiggle room when it came to sewing. Not much, but there are no gaps between panels this time!
This is not to say that there are no mistakes! There are plenty of mistakes, but most of them took place during the sewing stage of this project. Several mistakes were in joining the panels together…one of them is really overlapped badly, but I couldn’t get the thread out without pulling on the weaving itself, so it stayed. And my finished edges are not very pretty either. But I don’t think I repeated any mistakes betweeen the two pouches, at least not in the weaving. The sewing, well, that’s another story. I’m pretty sure I repeated mistakes there. But as this is only my second attempt at this, I’m not going to kick myself too hard just yet.